Cancelation Theory Formula + My Amazingly Pretentious Good Taste

This is nearly directly stolen from an article I found on IMDb, which was actually stolen from an article on the site, TV by the Numbers. So I'm being highly unoriginal but regardless, the content has to do directly with everything this website is about!

It seems that there is a possible formula that decides the likelihood that a show will soon be canceled. It has something to do with the correlation between the viewers of a SHOW between the ages of 18-49 as compared to the the viewers of their NETWORK, who fall into the same age range.

The main reason this article caught my eye, was because I needed to deliver a big "I.TOLD.YOU.SO" to my boyfriend who is cursed with a very desolate condition called, "Horribly Bad Taste." Over the summer, we took a trip to Vegas, and got to be part of a test audience for the new CBS show Gary Unmarried. (WHICH, by the way, they did not take my title suggestion and name the show "My Ex-Life." Perhaps this is the true source of my hostility...)

When you enter the screening room, everybody is handed a sort of remote control with a dial on it. The dial ranges in numbers from 1-100, and they tell you to rate your amusement/enjoyment throughout the entire show. My dial never really raised much above '70', (the jokes were, if possible worse than the actors), while Mike's dial stayed at a steady '95' the entire episode. Afterward, we had to type up a list full of our criticisms and suggestions. My list was full of extensive character analyses and joke criticisms, while Mike's form looked more like: "I LOVE JAY MOHR! THIS SHOW IS SO FUNNY! I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE PREMIERE!"

This is why I have a website about television and Mike is not allowed to help me with it. If Mike had a website, next week he'd put up a review on how awesome the new Knight Rider TV show is. Luckily, according to THIS website, both shows will be canceled by next week! So long, Gary!





BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!






Okay, I'm done, but seriously, check it out and see which of your favorite shitty shows will be canceled soon!

TVbytheNumbers.com

Sunday Night Cable-Bowl

Hmm, so I suspected this might happen; this whole “me not updating” thAng. Oops.

A lot of things have been going on, and I just can’t do them all justice at once!

Sunday night was quite an evening (for those with premium cable networks! ha. ha.) I figured out a way to make it all work, world. Apparently Showtime feels bad for pitting their best shows against HBO’s best shows and vice versa, because if you work it just right, you can watch Californication (On Demand), True Blood, Entourage, and then the repeat of Dexter on Showtime. Quite a 3 hour block of television.

Californication probably won’t invite any new viewers this season, but if you were a fan of the last season, then you’ll probably enjoy where this season is going. No, it wasn’t a dream: Hank Moody finally ends up back with his pseudo-wife, and his family is back together. This brings some new problems of it’s own, and Hank manages to fuck things up on a minor level, as usual. My guess is that the real REEL of this season will be Hank’s best friend, Charlie Runkle who was fired from his job, for masturbating a little too often at his desk. His wife, Marcy has decided that the fun answer to their problems is to buy lobsters and lots of blow. Methinks the real story, or at least the funny story (now that Hank’s not allowed to fuck the entire population of Los Angeles) will be the downfall, or at least the rollercoaster ride that is Charlie and Marcy. (The preview for next week’s episode includes Charlie accidently acting in a porno with Carla Gallo, yay!)

In another week of True Blood, Bill the Vampire takes Sookie to a FangTasia, the local ‘Vamp Bar’ in Louisiana. Since Anna Paquin severely overacts her role as Sookie, the surprise breakout of this episode is definitely Ryan Kwanten, who plays Sookie’s man-whore brother, Jason. In the first few episodes, I was just blown away by how this dude’s only purpose has been to fuck women. LOTS OF WOMEN. HANK MOODY STYLE. It’s honestly been ridiculous so far, until this last episode, where, in a moment of panic, Jason has no choice but to swallow a whole vial of ‘V’ (the street name for Vamp Blood). Much to his DISMAY, his dick grows to the size of an eggplant, and even constant masturbation does nothing more than give him disgusting blisters on his thumb. FUCKED UP. Looking forward to more of this next week!

Entourage wasn’t too special this week, but it’s cute how Vinnie is growing up! Eric is working hard to book a deal for his writers, while still minding Vincent’s best interests. Finally, Vince learns how to be a man, and takes the 2nd lead in the movie. SO GRACIOUS!

Dexter was by far the best of the night. I don’t even think I should say much about Dexter, except that Deb is still annoying, and Dexter’s relationship with Rita is better than it’s ever been. As usual, Dexter does something that sort of puts him in danger of being found out, but all of that is put on the backburner when the bomb’s dropped in the last scene of the show. I’ll only leave you with this:

Poll: Heroes vs. Dexter

Ok, so I need to know whether it's more fucked up that Michael C. Hall (of Dexter fame) dates Jennifer Carpenter who plays his sister in the show, or that Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia, who play an niece/uncle duo on Heroes, date in real life?

(It may be significant to note that Milo is 31 while Hayden just turned 19...)

Vampires & Glorious Hairplugs

I bet I look like some sort of a Jeremy Piven sex-freak now that my first two posts are peculiarly BOTH about Jeremy. Did I say sex-freak? I meant freak. Just regular, run of the mill, freak. There’s no way I would ever want to hold his beautiful, manly face in my hands, or run my fingers through his beautiful, perfect hair-plug. I’m just NOT that kind of GIRL.

Honestly though, I’m pretty sure Jeremy Piven’s gotta be gay in real life. Does anyone ever know who he’s dating?

ANYWAY, the only reason I’m writing about Jeremy is because last night was the Sunday night HBO lineup, which currently only consists of True Blood followed by Entourage. Simple enough for now, but starting next week, Showtime will start pitting their own lineup against HBO’s, with Dexter and Californication. Serial Killers and Sex Addictions, or Serial Killer, Sex Addicted Vampires and Ari Gold? How’s a girl to choose! Life’s about to get a whole lot more complicated for a serial killing, sexualized, vampire, movie star, TV addict like myself. ::sigh::

Anyway, if you weren’t into watching the 60th Annual Emmy Award Show last night, HBO was a fantastic choice. Even though I already read the first in the Sookie Stackhouse series of books, which is the map for the whole first season of True Blood, it’s still much prettier and much more amusing to see played on TV.

I really got into Alan Ball’s Six Feet Under for a while when it first came out on DVD, and if you’re looking for some of his same dark humor, without all the depressing funeral homes, than True Blood is totally up your alley. The vampires have “come out of the coffin” and are looking to be accepted in society just like the rest of us. Some are a little more interested in mainstreaming, while some are a little more interested in eating humans.

Anna Paquin plays the main character a little too innocently, and a little too over the top, but the script more or less calls for that from her character, as she’s the show’s only virgin. I’m not gonna lie, it’s not a show to watch with your parents or your kids, as every other scene has some naked Vampire violently fucking some “fang-banger,” but regardless, it’s a pretty ENTHRALLING show.

Though, I look forward to True Blood every week now, Entourage was the true star last night, with Jeremy Piven in the forefront. Without going into too much detail, Vince hardly does anything in this episode (as usual), Drama is depressed and cynical the entire time, while Ari is the true star of Episode 503.

His old nemesis Adam Davies and him decide to enter into a completely random war with each other, that grows more and more ridiculous as the show goes on. The confrontation in the end provides one of the best “Ari moments” I’ve seen from the show in a while.

In other words, WATCH THE SHOW, BITCHES!

Hopefully I’ll be able to keep up with the reviews on here, now that the TV season is picking up again. Don’t forget to watch the Season 3 premiere of Heroes tonight!

Meanwhile, I WILL NOT be thinking about Jeremy Piven, and his glorious hairplugs.

Reality Shows Fucked by the Emmy Awards ::tear::

I’m sitting here trying to figure out if it’s worth writing about the Emmy Awards that aired last night. Anybody who actually cares, most likely either took the time to watch the show, or they looked up everything they needed to know online already.

Oh well! I’ma say a few things anyway! Though I’m sure it somehow made sense to get the HOSTS of five of television’s biggest reality shows to HOST the Emmy Awards show, it was the worst idea since kids started bootlegging Broadway shows. People always complain about award shows when the comedians bomb at the beginning of the show. So imagine it when Howie Mandel(the only supposed comedian), Heidi Klum, Jeff Probst, Ryan Seacrest and some dude I don’t know, got on stage together and tried to be funny/entertaining. It was bad.

Fortunately, one of the first winners of the evening, Jeremy Piven (who deservedly won for his supporting role on Entourage) was the first to point out how horribly the show was going, citing, “What if I just kept talking for 12 minutes, what would happen? That was the opening."

Ha. Ha. Ha. Not a well played joke, Jeremy, but you redeemed yourself later, by commenting to the press, "I thought we were being punk'd as an audience," Piven mused, comparing the segment to the fictional musical number in The Producers, "Springtime for Hitler."

Either way, Jeremy Piven is AMAZING as Ari Gold on Entourage, and I’m so glad he won (especially over Kevin Dillon!)

The only other truly funny moment of the evening was when Don Rickles decided that he’s too old to play by the rules anymore. Rickles refused to cooperate with his co-presenter, Kathy Griffin (who looked good for once!). When a clearly flustered Griffin tried to steer him back on course, he replied wryly, “Oh, because this program is hot! We’ve got to read the wonderful jokes they’ve written for us.”

Steve Martin made a quick appearance, to introduce Tommy Smothers. Even though Stevey-boy is old now, and clearly hasn’t been funny since the 80’s, it’s nice to see him make a few live appearances from time to time.

Lots of really lame stuff happened too. Old people nobody ever heard of won for their guest spots on lame TV shows. And Jeff Probst was the first reality TV host to win BEST REALITY SHOW HOST. FUCK, was THAT the great moment of the evening…
(perhaps I’m just bitter about Seacrest)

The only things I really had feelings about, other than Jeremy Piven winning, was that Tina Fey walked away with an Emmy for Best Comedy Writer and Best Comedy Actress for the NBC AWESOMENESS, 30 Rock. Alec Baldwin also won for 30 Rock, which was pretty sweet. Even though I haven’t liked Alec Baldwin since Beetlejuice, nobody can deny that he is at his funniest on this show:

Otherwise, I’m super sad that Michael C. Hall didn’t get anything for Dexter. :-(