Summertime Sucks

It feels like a really bad time to be writing about television. All the big shows of the fall and spring seasons are off the air until next September, and the summer TV line up leaves a little something to be desired. In my household, the big TV night right now is HBO’s Sunday night. “True Blood” is always the favorite which is promptly followed by “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” which we’ve been waiting YEARS to come back. Neither of these have been much of a disappointment so far, but god WHY is Entourage still on the air? I feel like they perfectly tied up all the character’s storylines two seasons ago, and yet the ratings were still rolling in, so they figured they’d have to keep writing; except they’re not. The writers have decided to keep recycling storylines: E breaks up with Sloane AGAIN, Ari pisses off Mrs. Ari AGAIN, and Vince is trying to get another project off the ground that nobody believes in but him…AGAIN. They should have just ended last season with Vince having an overdose and dying. Then, this season could be about how all the friends who have mooched off him for years are suddenly homeless. Suddenly Turtle wouldn’t be trying to hawk tequila to all his fabulously famous friends, but grabbing at their skirts and begging for change, when they walk by his cardboard box in a back alley off Sunset Boulevard. In fact, that’s probably how he lost all that weight.

"I used to date Meadow!"

If you can handle the fact that “True Blood” is supposed to be a campy show, then it’s still going strong. The fairies have been killed off for now, so maybe we won’t have to hear about them for a long time. Alexander Skaarsgard’s Eric is the definitely the most fun this season. The usually bad-ass, no consideration for human feelings, Eric has lost his memory and is suddenly a sweet little baby boy (vampire) that needs Sookie to look after him. By look after, I mean that she needs to caress his hair and tell him it’s all going to be alright before they get down to the sexy blood-swapping. I hope this storyline never ends.  

In the meantime, it seems like we’re going to start seeing a much darker side of Sam and we’re going to watch Jason become a werepanther. As long as he still gets to cement such awkward situations like having a sex dream with his best friend, with an exasperated, “Oh, My Gravy!” then he can maul all the small children he wants. No judgment here.

"My Gravy, is this because of all the sex?!"

I’m not even sure what to say about “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” It just really never gets old. Though the end of each of his episodes is always purposefully predictable, I have laughed out loud through all three episodes so far. In a Rolling Stone article this week, Larry David said that each season stresses him out so much that he claims every season is his last. Throughout every season, during the writing process, if he reaches a roadblock he freaks out and threatens to call HBO and pull the plug (he right he reserves per his contract) . His co-writers usually have to talk him down, about once per episode, and the season comes out just as hilarious as ever. It’s nice to hear that Larry David is just as neurotic in real life as he is on the show. Here’s to hoping his writers can convince him to keep churning out new seasons!

Since it’s summer, and there aren’t that many great shows on, outside of HBO, what is everybody else watching? You can’t all be obsessing over the newest “Teen Mom” and counting down the days for “Jersey Shore: Italy” to premiere like I am…

          

FILM Buff

I’ve decided that since I watch just as many movies (with a sometimes whopping 2 per weekend!) as the time I spend in front of the television (or in front of the computer, watching sometimes-legal streaming video), that I will start writing about film as well. The titular heading of the site, (I was scraping for a way to use the word titular, because it always reminds me of that Upright Citizens Brigade sketch – “I’m just so tired of all these Star Wars…”) leaves the site ambiguous enough to cover all forms of media and pop culture anyway.

So I will start my newly appointed category by referencing not one but TWO possible, could-be, future cult films. It’s a little soon to tell, as both movies have only been released in the last month, but they both have the criteria to either become forever shitfests, or to be embraced by the select, indy movie crowd. The two MOVIES: Adventureland and Observe and Report.

I was looking forward to Adventureland for weeks before seeing it. The mix of SNL players Bill Hader and Kristin Wig with the addition of Martin Starr (nearly reprising his role in Freaks and Geeks) and other assorted familiar faces, made for not only an alluring supporting cast, but my interest was intensified by the 80’s summertime, customer service genre. I was fucking in!


The film actually surprised me. (you are only an artistic, visionary cinema master when referring to FILMS) Though there was a cast of virtual comedians, and the movie had several laugh-out-loud moments, the movie was much more of a drama than I originally expected. The writer/director Greg Mottola, known for his outrageous comedies (Superbad, Undeclared and even some episodes of Arrested Development) recognizes that the majority of his career has been spent working with teenagers, and admits that his youth must have been a part of his life that holds some indefinable significance. He proves this aptly in Adventureland which was based on his own experiences working at an amusement park of the same name. Jesse Eisenberg plays a college grad who expected to travel to Europe as a grad gift. When his dad is laid off from his job, he has to deal with the economic downturn of the 80’s and get a shitty job making minimum wage and dealing with shitty visitors at the park. This very closely mirrors a situation I myself may very easily be in come…say….another month. I also have it on pretty high authority that if you’ve ever worked at an amusement park for the summer, that the movie was about as accurate as it could get. That being said the soundtrack was also amazing to an 80’s buff like myself, and I’d give it 4 ½ Martin Starr’s.

As for Observe and Report, here’s one that came completely out of left field. When I first saw the trailer for this one, I was like, “WHAT IS SETH ROGEN DOING?” Not only did it appear to be a ripoff of the already unsuccessful Paul Blart: Mall Cop, but it just didn’t look funny. Eventually, I did come around, if only for my timid love for Seth Rogen. I’m not saying he can do no wrong: Fanboys anyone? But, I tried to instill some faith in him. It was getting decent early reviews, and every review stated that it’s NOT WHAT YOU WOULD EXPECT. I’d have to completely agree. It’s being most popularly compared to Taxi Driver but the director himself, Jody Hill, says it feels a bit more like Scorsese’s lesser known The King of Comedy.


There were most definitely a lot of laugh-out-loud points in the movie, but upon further inspection, the laughs were more often out of uneasiness than random hilarity. Seth Rogen’s character is a sick dude with bi-polar disorder who is trying to win the hot girl (Anna Faris, who incidentally is a major bitch in this) and catch the chubby flasher who’s attacking women at the mall. His delusions of being a police officer someday are actually sad to watch, but are definitely made worth it by Ray Liotta’s character, which he plays with his trademark insane intensity. There were a lot of, “HOLY SHIT did that JUST happen??” moments in this movie, and I’d say it’s worth seeing for that factor alone. Only time will tell how this movie holds up in the future, but I’m fairly confident it will turn into an underground cult favorite along with Jody Hill’s HBO series, Eastbound and Down. If you can handle the lack of redeeming characters, then you'll like it. I give the movie 3 out of 5 Danny McBride’s.

Cancelation Theory Formula + My Amazingly Pretentious Good Taste

This is nearly directly stolen from an article I found on IMDb, which was actually stolen from an article on the site, TV by the Numbers. So I'm being highly unoriginal but regardless, the content has to do directly with everything this website is about!

It seems that there is a possible formula that decides the likelihood that a show will soon be canceled. It has something to do with the correlation between the viewers of a SHOW between the ages of 18-49 as compared to the the viewers of their NETWORK, who fall into the same age range.

The main reason this article caught my eye, was because I needed to deliver a big "I.TOLD.YOU.SO" to my boyfriend who is cursed with a very desolate condition called, "Horribly Bad Taste." Over the summer, we took a trip to Vegas, and got to be part of a test audience for the new CBS show Gary Unmarried. (WHICH, by the way, they did not take my title suggestion and name the show "My Ex-Life." Perhaps this is the true source of my hostility...)

When you enter the screening room, everybody is handed a sort of remote control with a dial on it. The dial ranges in numbers from 1-100, and they tell you to rate your amusement/enjoyment throughout the entire show. My dial never really raised much above '70', (the jokes were, if possible worse than the actors), while Mike's dial stayed at a steady '95' the entire episode. Afterward, we had to type up a list full of our criticisms and suggestions. My list was full of extensive character analyses and joke criticisms, while Mike's form looked more like: "I LOVE JAY MOHR! THIS SHOW IS SO FUNNY! I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE PREMIERE!"

This is why I have a website about television and Mike is not allowed to help me with it. If Mike had a website, next week he'd put up a review on how awesome the new Knight Rider TV show is. Luckily, according to THIS website, both shows will be canceled by next week! So long, Gary!





BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!






Okay, I'm done, but seriously, check it out and see which of your favorite shitty shows will be canceled soon!

TVbytheNumbers.com

Sunday Night Cable-Bowl

Hmm, so I suspected this might happen; this whole “me not updating” thAng. Oops.

A lot of things have been going on, and I just can’t do them all justice at once!

Sunday night was quite an evening (for those with premium cable networks! ha. ha.) I figured out a way to make it all work, world. Apparently Showtime feels bad for pitting their best shows against HBO’s best shows and vice versa, because if you work it just right, you can watch Californication (On Demand), True Blood, Entourage, and then the repeat of Dexter on Showtime. Quite a 3 hour block of television.

Californication probably won’t invite any new viewers this season, but if you were a fan of the last season, then you’ll probably enjoy where this season is going. No, it wasn’t a dream: Hank Moody finally ends up back with his pseudo-wife, and his family is back together. This brings some new problems of it’s own, and Hank manages to fuck things up on a minor level, as usual. My guess is that the real REEL of this season will be Hank’s best friend, Charlie Runkle who was fired from his job, for masturbating a little too often at his desk. His wife, Marcy has decided that the fun answer to their problems is to buy lobsters and lots of blow. Methinks the real story, or at least the funny story (now that Hank’s not allowed to fuck the entire population of Los Angeles) will be the downfall, or at least the rollercoaster ride that is Charlie and Marcy. (The preview for next week’s episode includes Charlie accidently acting in a porno with Carla Gallo, yay!)

In another week of True Blood, Bill the Vampire takes Sookie to a FangTasia, the local ‘Vamp Bar’ in Louisiana. Since Anna Paquin severely overacts her role as Sookie, the surprise breakout of this episode is definitely Ryan Kwanten, who plays Sookie’s man-whore brother, Jason. In the first few episodes, I was just blown away by how this dude’s only purpose has been to fuck women. LOTS OF WOMEN. HANK MOODY STYLE. It’s honestly been ridiculous so far, until this last episode, where, in a moment of panic, Jason has no choice but to swallow a whole vial of ‘V’ (the street name for Vamp Blood). Much to his DISMAY, his dick grows to the size of an eggplant, and even constant masturbation does nothing more than give him disgusting blisters on his thumb. FUCKED UP. Looking forward to more of this next week!

Entourage wasn’t too special this week, but it’s cute how Vinnie is growing up! Eric is working hard to book a deal for his writers, while still minding Vincent’s best interests. Finally, Vince learns how to be a man, and takes the 2nd lead in the movie. SO GRACIOUS!

Dexter was by far the best of the night. I don’t even think I should say much about Dexter, except that Deb is still annoying, and Dexter’s relationship with Rita is better than it’s ever been. As usual, Dexter does something that sort of puts him in danger of being found out, but all of that is put on the backburner when the bomb’s dropped in the last scene of the show. I’ll only leave you with this:

Poll: Heroes vs. Dexter

Ok, so I need to know whether it's more fucked up that Michael C. Hall (of Dexter fame) dates Jennifer Carpenter who plays his sister in the show, or that Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia, who play an niece/uncle duo on Heroes, date in real life?

(It may be significant to note that Milo is 31 while Hayden just turned 19...)

Vampires & Glorious Hairplugs

I bet I look like some sort of a Jeremy Piven sex-freak now that my first two posts are peculiarly BOTH about Jeremy. Did I say sex-freak? I meant freak. Just regular, run of the mill, freak. There’s no way I would ever want to hold his beautiful, manly face in my hands, or run my fingers through his beautiful, perfect hair-plug. I’m just NOT that kind of GIRL.

Honestly though, I’m pretty sure Jeremy Piven’s gotta be gay in real life. Does anyone ever know who he’s dating?

ANYWAY, the only reason I’m writing about Jeremy is because last night was the Sunday night HBO lineup, which currently only consists of True Blood followed by Entourage. Simple enough for now, but starting next week, Showtime will start pitting their own lineup against HBO’s, with Dexter and Californication. Serial Killers and Sex Addictions, or Serial Killer, Sex Addicted Vampires and Ari Gold? How’s a girl to choose! Life’s about to get a whole lot more complicated for a serial killing, sexualized, vampire, movie star, TV addict like myself. ::sigh::

Anyway, if you weren’t into watching the 60th Annual Emmy Award Show last night, HBO was a fantastic choice. Even though I already read the first in the Sookie Stackhouse series of books, which is the map for the whole first season of True Blood, it’s still much prettier and much more amusing to see played on TV.

I really got into Alan Ball’s Six Feet Under for a while when it first came out on DVD, and if you’re looking for some of his same dark humor, without all the depressing funeral homes, than True Blood is totally up your alley. The vampires have “come out of the coffin” and are looking to be accepted in society just like the rest of us. Some are a little more interested in mainstreaming, while some are a little more interested in eating humans.

Anna Paquin plays the main character a little too innocently, and a little too over the top, but the script more or less calls for that from her character, as she’s the show’s only virgin. I’m not gonna lie, it’s not a show to watch with your parents or your kids, as every other scene has some naked Vampire violently fucking some “fang-banger,” but regardless, it’s a pretty ENTHRALLING show.

Though, I look forward to True Blood every week now, Entourage was the true star last night, with Jeremy Piven in the forefront. Without going into too much detail, Vince hardly does anything in this episode (as usual), Drama is depressed and cynical the entire time, while Ari is the true star of Episode 503.

His old nemesis Adam Davies and him decide to enter into a completely random war with each other, that grows more and more ridiculous as the show goes on. The confrontation in the end provides one of the best “Ari moments” I’ve seen from the show in a while.

In other words, WATCH THE SHOW, BITCHES!

Hopefully I’ll be able to keep up with the reviews on here, now that the TV season is picking up again. Don’t forget to watch the Season 3 premiere of Heroes tonight!

Meanwhile, I WILL NOT be thinking about Jeremy Piven, and his glorious hairplugs.