Give American Horror Story a Chance!

(Writers note: My MacBook is getting all fixed up and pretty this week, so while it is not in my possession, I will have to spare my two loyal readers any terribly (AWESOME) photoshopped takes on the show in question.  Better luck next time.) 

American Horror Story gets a bad rap.  (I mean, the house at the center of the show is called "Murder House") No, it’s not my favorite show on television, but if you read any of the more honest review sites, The A.V. Club in particular, you’d think the producers/writers on the show are absolutely on crack and that the show is the worst thing to be aired on television in a decade.  While the writers of the show may indeed be crazy, (aren’t all great horror writers a little mental?)  American Horror Story seems to be one of the most talked about (picked up an issue of “Entertainment Weekly” lately?) new show on television.  It’s got all sorts of mangled characters, horrifying sight gags and more leather than that weird Suicide Girls special I saw on Showtime a few weeks back.

Again, I can agree with a lot of the issues the review sites have; mostly the lack of character development or chemistry between its lead characters and its reliance on cheap or OVERUSED parlor tricks that have already been seen in almost every horror franchise.  But as I would regard most of those as issues in any other show on TV, I’m not sure they apply here.  Obviously, AHS is no Sopranos, Breaking Bad or even a True Blood, but I think it’s a true ode to every awesome/shitty horror movie ever made.  

I’ve been indulging in a new awful horror movie (that nobody’s ever heard of) every week care of Netflix, and I even attended half a semester’s worth of my college Horror Film class (stayed awake for like 15% of the films).*  And so after giving up on AHS weeks ago, I decided to catch up on all the episodes online this week.  All things considered, I’m feeling pretty qualified to discuss why it’s a pretty sweet show, like only a person who watches an entire series in one day could love. 

*(That’s such an exaggeration, I freaking loved that Horror class and actually stayed awake for like 25% of the films…)

So here we go:

-Terrible stereotypes – Two of the awesomely terrible, stereotype-y, overused jokes I heard on last night’s episode: 

“[Murder House]’s been fixed up by the previous homo – er, sorry – homeowners…” 

“The only things I use women for are sex, money or to make me a sandwich”

I can see why these cringe-worthy lines may turn some people off, but I don’t think the creator/producer Ryan Murphy (who I sorta hate for all of his cocky comments to Dave Grohl and all the other famous rockers who have declined to appear on his other popular creation: Glee) is trying to write Emmy-worthy lines to go down in history.  Rather, he is trying to emulate every great (and not so great) horror movie that often relies on corny humor to break tension-ridden scenes and make teenagers laugh.  How many times have you seen a B horror movie where all the teenagers on the roadtrip are using the worst version of “Hey Baby, you know you have the best dick-sucking lips I’ve ever seen,” before the girl playfully seems offended (“Skyler! You are such a jackass!) but then giggles and complies anyway?  Then of course, they are both promptly gutted open with a fish hook from behind.  It’s just the cheap, easy way to write generic lines and break the tension and provide the awkward “OH MAN, THAT WAS WRONG!” laughs before all the blood and gore takes over.  In any other television show, it’d be two weeks of lines like that before the show was pulled off the air, but because AHS is trying to emulate some of the cheap humor displayed in those campy horror films (that people LOVE by the way, because it’s so corny its hilarious) it totally works in this show!

-Little Character Chemistry/Marriage on the Rocks – I’ve read lots of complaints on the chemistry between Dylan McDermott and Connie Britton.  Their marriage is supposed to be the main contention of the series, but nobody can believe that these are two characters who ever truly cared for each other.  Sure, they’re both hurting: she suffered a terrible miscarriage two years back and then caught him in bed with a young grad student (because this is how he manifested his terrible suffering) but why the hell are these two still trying to stick it out, when he’s walking around on eggshells all the time and she’s so angry with him? TO WHICH I COUNTER: What B horror movie have you ever seen with a believable couple at the center?  In any horror movie, the rocky marriage ploy is just a device used to heighten the sense of suffering and pain among the main characters, before they are drug into an even darker horror.  Any time a couple is having marriage problems in a haunted house movie there is could be a history of abuse, and affair, a child who died before the movie started or a miscarriage.  (See: The Shining, Unfaithful, Fatal Attraction, Don’t Look Now, First Born or any movie involving a creepy house) If the couple already has too much on their plate, they don’t have time to just move the hell out of their haunted home.  THIS PLACE IS THEIR LAST DITCH EFFORT TO SAVE THEIR MARRIAGE! Which brings me to…

- Super Naïve/In Denial Homeowners – Come on guys, if the married couple actually admitted to themselves, or each other that dead people are fucking with them on a daily basis, then there wouldn’t be much of a show to follow, now would there?

Here are some other odes to horror movies that I’m enjoying and can’t wait to see play out:

-The Urban Legends they addressed (Candyman, Bloody Mary) with the “Here Piggy..pigggg…ggy…piggy…” episode.  I swear to god I almost pissed my pants in elementary school when somebody turned out all the lights in the girl's bathroom and started calling to Bloody Mary.  Luckily, I was already in a bathroom.

- The giant murdery baby in the basement

 -The awesome/freaky ode to Rosemary’s Baby

-The sort of reverse Sixth Sense deal-io going on between Tate and Dr. Harmon

-And aside from the fact that the whole show is a giant send-off to my favorite horror movie of all time, The Shining, and really, every other haunted house movie ever, I can’t help but feel reminded of Mr. Grady murdering his whole family in The Shining every time they show burned face man.

So seriously guys, if you’re looking for emmy-award winning acting or the best character development since Breaking Bad, this probably isn’t the show for you.  But if you are looking for a good time or don’t mind occupying your time with every B (and C) horror movie Netflix has to offer, then this show is just as fine an alternative.  It seriously is a good time so take it as it is and enjoy yourselves!

Summertime Sucks

It feels like a really bad time to be writing about television. All the big shows of the fall and spring seasons are off the air until next September, and the summer TV line up leaves a little something to be desired. In my household, the big TV night right now is HBO’s Sunday night. “True Blood” is always the favorite which is promptly followed by “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” which we’ve been waiting YEARS to come back. Neither of these have been much of a disappointment so far, but god WHY is Entourage still on the air? I feel like they perfectly tied up all the character’s storylines two seasons ago, and yet the ratings were still rolling in, so they figured they’d have to keep writing; except they’re not. The writers have decided to keep recycling storylines: E breaks up with Sloane AGAIN, Ari pisses off Mrs. Ari AGAIN, and Vince is trying to get another project off the ground that nobody believes in but him…AGAIN. They should have just ended last season with Vince having an overdose and dying. Then, this season could be about how all the friends who have mooched off him for years are suddenly homeless. Suddenly Turtle wouldn’t be trying to hawk tequila to all his fabulously famous friends, but grabbing at their skirts and begging for change, when they walk by his cardboard box in a back alley off Sunset Boulevard. In fact, that’s probably how he lost all that weight.

"I used to date Meadow!"

If you can handle the fact that “True Blood” is supposed to be a campy show, then it’s still going strong. The fairies have been killed off for now, so maybe we won’t have to hear about them for a long time. Alexander Skaarsgard’s Eric is the definitely the most fun this season. The usually bad-ass, no consideration for human feelings, Eric has lost his memory and is suddenly a sweet little baby boy (vampire) that needs Sookie to look after him. By look after, I mean that she needs to caress his hair and tell him it’s all going to be alright before they get down to the sexy blood-swapping. I hope this storyline never ends.  

In the meantime, it seems like we’re going to start seeing a much darker side of Sam and we’re going to watch Jason become a werepanther. As long as he still gets to cement such awkward situations like having a sex dream with his best friend, with an exasperated, “Oh, My Gravy!” then he can maul all the small children he wants. No judgment here.

"My Gravy, is this because of all the sex?!"

I’m not even sure what to say about “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” It just really never gets old. Though the end of each of his episodes is always purposefully predictable, I have laughed out loud through all three episodes so far. In a Rolling Stone article this week, Larry David said that each season stresses him out so much that he claims every season is his last. Throughout every season, during the writing process, if he reaches a roadblock he freaks out and threatens to call HBO and pull the plug (he right he reserves per his contract) . His co-writers usually have to talk him down, about once per episode, and the season comes out just as hilarious as ever. It’s nice to hear that Larry David is just as neurotic in real life as he is on the show. Here’s to hoping his writers can convince him to keep churning out new seasons!

Since it’s summer, and there aren’t that many great shows on, outside of HBO, what is everybody else watching? You can’t all be obsessing over the newest “Teen Mom” and counting down the days for “Jersey Shore: Italy” to premiere like I am…

          

FILM Buff

I’ve decided that since I watch just as many movies (with a sometimes whopping 2 per weekend!) as the time I spend in front of the television (or in front of the computer, watching sometimes-legal streaming video), that I will start writing about film as well. The titular heading of the site, (I was scraping for a way to use the word titular, because it always reminds me of that Upright Citizens Brigade sketch – “I’m just so tired of all these Star Wars…”) leaves the site ambiguous enough to cover all forms of media and pop culture anyway.

So I will start my newly appointed category by referencing not one but TWO possible, could-be, future cult films. It’s a little soon to tell, as both movies have only been released in the last month, but they both have the criteria to either become forever shitfests, or to be embraced by the select, indy movie crowd. The two MOVIES: Adventureland and Observe and Report.

I was looking forward to Adventureland for weeks before seeing it. The mix of SNL players Bill Hader and Kristin Wig with the addition of Martin Starr (nearly reprising his role in Freaks and Geeks) and other assorted familiar faces, made for not only an alluring supporting cast, but my interest was intensified by the 80’s summertime, customer service genre. I was fucking in!


The film actually surprised me. (you are only an artistic, visionary cinema master when referring to FILMS) Though there was a cast of virtual comedians, and the movie had several laugh-out-loud moments, the movie was much more of a drama than I originally expected. The writer/director Greg Mottola, known for his outrageous comedies (Superbad, Undeclared and even some episodes of Arrested Development) recognizes that the majority of his career has been spent working with teenagers, and admits that his youth must have been a part of his life that holds some indefinable significance. He proves this aptly in Adventureland which was based on his own experiences working at an amusement park of the same name. Jesse Eisenberg plays a college grad who expected to travel to Europe as a grad gift. When his dad is laid off from his job, he has to deal with the economic downturn of the 80’s and get a shitty job making minimum wage and dealing with shitty visitors at the park. This very closely mirrors a situation I myself may very easily be in come…say….another month. I also have it on pretty high authority that if you’ve ever worked at an amusement park for the summer, that the movie was about as accurate as it could get. That being said the soundtrack was also amazing to an 80’s buff like myself, and I’d give it 4 ½ Martin Starr’s.

As for Observe and Report, here’s one that came completely out of left field. When I first saw the trailer for this one, I was like, “WHAT IS SETH ROGEN DOING?” Not only did it appear to be a ripoff of the already unsuccessful Paul Blart: Mall Cop, but it just didn’t look funny. Eventually, I did come around, if only for my timid love for Seth Rogen. I’m not saying he can do no wrong: Fanboys anyone? But, I tried to instill some faith in him. It was getting decent early reviews, and every review stated that it’s NOT WHAT YOU WOULD EXPECT. I’d have to completely agree. It’s being most popularly compared to Taxi Driver but the director himself, Jody Hill, says it feels a bit more like Scorsese’s lesser known The King of Comedy.


There were most definitely a lot of laugh-out-loud points in the movie, but upon further inspection, the laughs were more often out of uneasiness than random hilarity. Seth Rogen’s character is a sick dude with bi-polar disorder who is trying to win the hot girl (Anna Faris, who incidentally is a major bitch in this) and catch the chubby flasher who’s attacking women at the mall. His delusions of being a police officer someday are actually sad to watch, but are definitely made worth it by Ray Liotta’s character, which he plays with his trademark insane intensity. There were a lot of, “HOLY SHIT did that JUST happen??” moments in this movie, and I’d say it’s worth seeing for that factor alone. Only time will tell how this movie holds up in the future, but I’m fairly confident it will turn into an underground cult favorite along with Jody Hill’s HBO series, Eastbound and Down. If you can handle the lack of redeeming characters, then you'll like it. I give the movie 3 out of 5 Danny McBride’s.

Cancelation Theory Formula + My Amazingly Pretentious Good Taste

This is nearly directly stolen from an article I found on IMDb, which was actually stolen from an article on the site, TV by the Numbers. So I'm being highly unoriginal but regardless, the content has to do directly with everything this website is about!

It seems that there is a possible formula that decides the likelihood that a show will soon be canceled. It has something to do with the correlation between the viewers of a SHOW between the ages of 18-49 as compared to the the viewers of their NETWORK, who fall into the same age range.

The main reason this article caught my eye, was because I needed to deliver a big "I.TOLD.YOU.SO" to my boyfriend who is cursed with a very desolate condition called, "Horribly Bad Taste." Over the summer, we took a trip to Vegas, and got to be part of a test audience for the new CBS show Gary Unmarried. (WHICH, by the way, they did not take my title suggestion and name the show "My Ex-Life." Perhaps this is the true source of my hostility...)

When you enter the screening room, everybody is handed a sort of remote control with a dial on it. The dial ranges in numbers from 1-100, and they tell you to rate your amusement/enjoyment throughout the entire show. My dial never really raised much above '70', (the jokes were, if possible worse than the actors), while Mike's dial stayed at a steady '95' the entire episode. Afterward, we had to type up a list full of our criticisms and suggestions. My list was full of extensive character analyses and joke criticisms, while Mike's form looked more like: "I LOVE JAY MOHR! THIS SHOW IS SO FUNNY! I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE PREMIERE!"

This is why I have a website about television and Mike is not allowed to help me with it. If Mike had a website, next week he'd put up a review on how awesome the new Knight Rider TV show is. Luckily, according to THIS website, both shows will be canceled by next week! So long, Gary!





BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!






Okay, I'm done, but seriously, check it out and see which of your favorite shitty shows will be canceled soon!

TVbytheNumbers.com

Sunday Night Cable-Bowl

Hmm, so I suspected this might happen; this whole “me not updating” thAng. Oops.

A lot of things have been going on, and I just can’t do them all justice at once!

Sunday night was quite an evening (for those with premium cable networks! ha. ha.) I figured out a way to make it all work, world. Apparently Showtime feels bad for pitting their best shows against HBO’s best shows and vice versa, because if you work it just right, you can watch Californication (On Demand), True Blood, Entourage, and then the repeat of Dexter on Showtime. Quite a 3 hour block of television.

Californication probably won’t invite any new viewers this season, but if you were a fan of the last season, then you’ll probably enjoy where this season is going. No, it wasn’t a dream: Hank Moody finally ends up back with his pseudo-wife, and his family is back together. This brings some new problems of it’s own, and Hank manages to fuck things up on a minor level, as usual. My guess is that the real REEL of this season will be Hank’s best friend, Charlie Runkle who was fired from his job, for masturbating a little too often at his desk. His wife, Marcy has decided that the fun answer to their problems is to buy lobsters and lots of blow. Methinks the real story, or at least the funny story (now that Hank’s not allowed to fuck the entire population of Los Angeles) will be the downfall, or at least the rollercoaster ride that is Charlie and Marcy. (The preview for next week’s episode includes Charlie accidently acting in a porno with Carla Gallo, yay!)

In another week of True Blood, Bill the Vampire takes Sookie to a FangTasia, the local ‘Vamp Bar’ in Louisiana. Since Anna Paquin severely overacts her role as Sookie, the surprise breakout of this episode is definitely Ryan Kwanten, who plays Sookie’s man-whore brother, Jason. In the first few episodes, I was just blown away by how this dude’s only purpose has been to fuck women. LOTS OF WOMEN. HANK MOODY STYLE. It’s honestly been ridiculous so far, until this last episode, where, in a moment of panic, Jason has no choice but to swallow a whole vial of ‘V’ (the street name for Vamp Blood). Much to his DISMAY, his dick grows to the size of an eggplant, and even constant masturbation does nothing more than give him disgusting blisters on his thumb. FUCKED UP. Looking forward to more of this next week!

Entourage wasn’t too special this week, but it’s cute how Vinnie is growing up! Eric is working hard to book a deal for his writers, while still minding Vincent’s best interests. Finally, Vince learns how to be a man, and takes the 2nd lead in the movie. SO GRACIOUS!

Dexter was by far the best of the night. I don’t even think I should say much about Dexter, except that Deb is still annoying, and Dexter’s relationship with Rita is better than it’s ever been. As usual, Dexter does something that sort of puts him in danger of being found out, but all of that is put on the backburner when the bomb’s dropped in the last scene of the show. I’ll only leave you with this:

Poll: Heroes vs. Dexter

Ok, so I need to know whether it's more fucked up that Michael C. Hall (of Dexter fame) dates Jennifer Carpenter who plays his sister in the show, or that Hayden Panettiere and Milo Ventimiglia, who play an niece/uncle duo on Heroes, date in real life?

(It may be significant to note that Milo is 31 while Hayden just turned 19...)